Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
