Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
