I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
