Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?