you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder