i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
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Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
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She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.