please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I think I am morally bankrupt
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
