Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
