why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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