omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
