im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
