My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Randomize
