how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
