Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
