i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
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Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize