Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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