so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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