and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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