I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
