you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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