fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
