I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
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