that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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