My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
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Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
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