You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
