im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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