just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
