She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Randomize
