I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
