omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I love you.
Bad choice
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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