I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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