On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Randomize
