she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
