He disabled his match.com account in front of me
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
