college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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