Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
A bitchslap is in order.
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