Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Randomize
