Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Randomize
