dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
