my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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