saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Michael Bay diarrhea
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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