Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
