life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
