Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
