party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
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