if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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