When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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