My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
