My room smells like vodka and shame
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
