Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
