What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
