i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
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