I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
i came on her dog
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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