Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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