SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
