I need help removing her.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Randomize
