she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
