i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
