Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
You're a waste of cheezeits
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
