This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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