I cockslap morals
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
