i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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