Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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